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Wit and Wisdom for a One Party State

A handbook for government by wishful thinking

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Terrorism, n. A patriotic lottery, the reward for which is known only to the incidental winners of the day. As in other games of chance, terrorism is characterized by a scarcity of prizes and endless speculation among the losers that the game might be rigged.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Governing Iraq

At a news conference on July 1, an eager young journalist asked Dick Cheney:

"Sir, we were told that Iraq would resume full sovereignty yesterday. But is it not true that the country is still dominated by an American organization, based in the center of Baghdad, that is brutal, rigidly centralized, anti-democratic, and disconnected from its surrounding environment?"

The Vice President snorted, "Son, you can save yourself a lot of embarrassment in your trade with a little fact checking. Any member of the Republican Party could have told you that the Heritage Foundation is based in Washington, D.C."

Reelection Plan

At a campaign strategy meeting, Karl Rove issued a plea to the inner circle of George W. Bush. "Kerry has been lucky, but he is vulnerable on the energy issue," said the Boy Wonder. "If we offer a plan to eliminate America's oil imports and drive energy costs to zero, we stand a good chance of winning this election. Who's up for this?"

Dick Cheney declared, "The private sector can help. My people at Halliburton have been working on it. If they are retained on a cost-plus basis, they tell me there is a 50% chance of making a successful breakthrough before the election."

Donald Rumsfeld spoke up, "The Department of Defense has been working on this problem for twenty years. With adequate discretionary funding, we have a 75% chance of success before October."

John Ashcroft cleared his throat. "If I understand this plan correctly, it calls for an eternal supply of free energy, a goal which conflicts with the laws of physics as we understand them today. Laws of all kinds are of grave concern to the Department of Justice. If the President will approve the necessary extension of my jurisdiction, success will be a dead certainty by Thursday."

Saturday, June 12, 2004

A Brief Encounter

George W. Bush:Our God is bigger than your god!
Suicide Bomber:Let's test that statement empirically, shall we?

One for the Reaper

An aid to Karl Rove approached him in some trepidation. "What is it?" growled the master publicist.

"After breakfast this morning, the President said he's discovered that God is dead."

"Excellent!" roared his boss.

The young man stood dumbfounded.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" shouted Rove, "Get your ass over to Fox News! Reagan bought us a whole week - God should keep them busy for three days, maybe even four! And be damned sure this gets play on the website."

Friday, June 11, 2004

After the Election

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are sitting in the Oval Office the day before Inauguration Day, chatting about the future after losing the November election by the largest landslide in American political history. Colin Powell enters the room.

"Hey, Colin," calls out the Chief Executive, "You been over there to the Joint Chiefs, and tell them like I told you?"

"Yes, Mr. President, I have," replies the taciturn Secretary of State, "I recited your instructions exactly as you gave them to me."

"That's real good, Colin, that's real good. You tell John Kerry there's no way I'm leaving this White House?"

"Yes, sir, I spoke with Mr. Kerry and referred him to the Joint Chiefs."

"How'd he take it?"

"After he spoke with the Joint Chiefs, he said that he would not object. He has conceded the White House."

"Hey!" exclaimed the President, "Boys, that's it. Let's take Air Force One down to Crawford tomorrow. Dick's got some great ideas here, and we need some good clean country air to think 'em over."

Secretary Powell whinced, "I'm afraid we can't do that, Mr. President."

The President's voice lowered to a menacing whisper. "Colin Powell, I am going to ask you straight, and I am going to ask you once. Are you with me or are you against me?"

"Oh, I am with you, Mr. President. In fact, I've packed a suitcase and brought it with me today."

"Then what in the hell is the problem?"

"Apparently we'll need to apply for visas."

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Press Conference

At a press conference, President George W. Bush fielded an unexpected question.

"Mr President, Bob Novak writes in his latest column that you have an IQ of 60. Could you comment please?"

"Bob Novak never said that."

"But it's written in his column. I have a copy of it right here."

"Oh. Well, 60 is a pretty good number. It's over a majority of intelligence. I'd say that's passing."

"But Mr President, the IQ of the average person is 100. Someone with an IQ of 60 will have trouble dressing themselves, let alone commanding the most powerful nation on the planet."

"Oh. Well, if you say so. But you mark my words: Bob Novak is making this story up. There is no foundation for this. It is all, just, well, it's impossible, that's all."

"Impossible, Mr President? Why do you say 'impossible'?"

"Well, it has to be impossible, dammit. After that Valerie Plame thing, Karl promised me that he wouldn't leak any more of our classified information."