Evil, n. The mortar with which the more hopeful historian binds together the raw materials of incompetence and insanity.

Accountability, n. A counting up of atrocities committed by others, to confirm the propriety of having committed fresh ones.

Abstinence, n. Catatonia.

Speech, n. A facility for oral communication with humans, enjoyed by the shoppers in a supermarket, much to the cost of the creatures on display in the food section.

Pommade, n. A viscous substance that ambitious people sometimes apply to the tops of their heads, in the hope that they will stick to heaven.

Victory, n. A precursor to Disaster. Disaster on a large scale (also known as Catastrophe) is commonly preceded by multiple VICTORIES.

Loyal, adj. Dedicated to the happiness of a single individual to the exclusion of all other considerations.

2004 EVELYN LEVINE GOPUSA 16 Nov. "I don't think that [Colin Powell] fit in too well as Secretary of State and that Ms. Rice is loyal to the President and will clean that office up .... Besides this is really President Bush's grand slam election and more people are respecting him now for his intelligence and capabilities and he needs 100% loyalty and a stress free cabinet that wants to work and not fight for their agendas."

Undecided, adj. In a state of suspended irresponsibility.

Democratization, n. Frequent use of the word "democracy" in close proximity to the name of a particular country.

Reform, n. A beneficial compromise between the intelligence of a gnat and the stupidity of a brontosaurus.

Win, v.i. To dance or swagger with a crazed expression on one's face. Commonly observed side effects of winning include contrition and eventual death. These risk factors no doubt do much to explain the universal solicitude and sympathy shown toward winners in both civilized and barbaric societies.

Apology, n. A hapless attempt to regenerate one's capacity for surprise.

Recover, v.i. To prepare to reenact a series of mistakes that resulted in suffering.

Unnecessary, adj. A concept that has come to encompass such a wide variety of persons, things and concepts as to lose its utility in serious discourse.

Insurgency, n. An incorruptible system of government with an erratic jurisdiction and a consistent foreign policy.

Progress, n. The steady improvement in the efficiency of resource allocation over time, by virtue of which members of a future generation will conclude that oil is far too precious to waste on civilian vehicles, and that dried cow dung is your best bet as a fuel to heat the single family living room.

Rapture, n. The process by which the most fervent proponents of Christianity are to be abruptly transported to another place. While some expect the RAPTURE will take place before the imposition of Hell on Earth, the better authorities have the two occurring simultaneously, an arrangement that would forestall unseemly rejoicing among the damned.

Pagan, n. One who imagines that there is a god, without also paying lip-service to the imaginary virtues of being a Christian.

Preemptive, adj. Having the effect of comprehensively and conclusively forestalling some event or action that threatens one's own interest (as by making a preemptive tennis court reservation).

Heterosexual, adj. Knowing one sex and not knowing the other. Cf. Homosexual.

Homosexual, adj. Knowing one sex only. Cf. Heterosexual.

Colosseum, n. A massive stone ampitheatre in ancient Rome, where struggles to the death among trained killers were staged to distract the rabble from their sordid lives. This primitive arrangement has been superseded by Television, which does not offer the same smell of liquid blood and burned flesh, but makes up for it with a wider variety of background settings and expanded seating capacity.

Homophobia, n. Fear of pink elephants. Ant. Heterophobia.

Gay, adj. A once subtle word, trapped in unhappy marriage with a blatant idea.

Upright, adj. At once sanctimonious and Republican.

Creationism, n. The reassuring view that people are badly made because God has so far had only a brief run of experience with building them.

Grace, n. A full and free confession ending in apostasy.

Forgiveness, n. In the discourse of Christians, kind words spoken about another in the mistaken belief that these are the cause, and not the effect, of an early funeral.

Adoption, n. A legal process to facilitate the saintly generosity of impoverished working mothers.

Pro-life, adj. Adhering to the view that unborn children should be given a full and fair opportunity to achieve eternal damnation.

Faith, n. Wishful thinking by confirmed sinners.

Conservatism, n. The prudence that leaves one cartridge in the magazine at the end of a pointless shooting spree.

Slaughter, n. The time-honored practice of marshaling the support of non-voters in advance of an election.

Television, n. A device that dedicates space better spent on furniture to the consumption of time better spent in conversation. Television is known to be a handy modern instrument for implementing Tyranny, achieving sufficient popularity in that role to usurp the Colosseum.

Community, n. An enclave of persons for whom the cost of moving outweighs the burden of mutual loathing. In modern industrial societies characterized by a high degree of personal mobility, the continued existence of COMMUNITIES is made possible through the anesthetizing agency of Television.

Abortion, n. The act of ending before beginning. Abortion of all kinds is vigorously opposed by those who believe that mistakes should be followed through to their ultimate, disastrous conclusion. Syn. Tom DeLay.

Ballot, n. The answer sheet for an Election.

Media, n. A network of institutions for fostering debate over the great issues of the day: liberalism versus conservatism; war versus peace; wealth versus poverty; state licensed torture versus whatever the opposite of that might be.

Chaos, n. A supremely egalitarian form of social organization in which the only meaningful distinction is between those who are alive and those who are not. Societies which have achieved a perfect state of CHAOS cannot benefit from further Deregulation, q.v.

Deregulation, n. A reform policy that places top priority on the encouragement of criminals and the spreading of pestilence. See Chaos.

Tyranny, n. Government which builds institutions for the purpose of committing Slaughter. Its counterpart works the other way around.

Taxation, n. The forcible extraction of money by government from citizens who have shirked their civic duty to establish congressional lobbies. The ideal level of taxation is that under which the entire population becomes independently wealthy, resulting in zero employment.

Equality, n. The corollary, in human affairs, to the heat death of the universe. We pursue both because we must.

Anti-terrorism, n. A modern effort to make heroism both impossible and unnecessary.

Safety, n. (1) freedom from physical danger, which can be assured by prudence and responsible policing; (2) freedom from fear of physical danger, which can be assured equally well by a massive government security apparatus or an adequate supply of doughnuts.