Reelection Plan

At a campaign strategy meeting, Karl Rove issued a plea to the inner circle of George W. Bush. "Kerry has been lucky, but he is vulnerable on the energy issue," said the Boy Wonder. "If we offer a plan to eliminate America's oil imports and drive energy costs to zero, we stand a good chance of winning this election. Who's up for this?"

Dick Cheney declared, "The private sector can help. My people at Halliburton have been working on it. If they are retained on a cost-plus basis, they tell me there is a 50% chance of making a successful breakthrough before the election."

Donald Rumsfeld spoke up, "The Department of Defense has been working on this problem for twenty years. With adequate discretionary funding, we have a 75% chance of success before October."

John Ashcroft cleared his throat. "If I understand this plan correctly, it calls for an eternal supply of free energy, a goal which conflicts with the laws of physics as we understand them today. Laws of all kinds are of grave concern to the Department of Justice. If the President will approve the necessary extension of my jurisdiction, success will be a dead certainty by Thursday."