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Wit and Wisdom for a One Party State

A handbook for government by wishful thinking

Saturday, May 22, 2004

A Test of Character

Okay, things don't turn out so well, and the Republicans amend the Constitution to make George W. Bush President for life, with a succession clause in favor of brother Jeb in case of failed immortality. In 2015, the President is sitting in the Oval Office taking hits off an oxygen cylinder when the head of the CIA walks in. "We've finally managed to penetrate Baghdad, sir. We put a microphone into a teabag, and yesterday it reached a small shop in Fallujah. We can make out some of what they're saying."

Bush looks up, shrugs in irritation, and the recording begins to play. After a sound of rushing water and a spoon tinkling on the cup, the rasping, angry voice of a middle-aged man fills the room:

"... you mind me, you little bastard, or so help me God I'll tan your hide. Either I'm right or I'll kill your sorry ass. You hear me? ..."

The stream of obscenities continued for a time, after which the sound went dead. "That's the best intelligence we have, sir," adds the department chief as he backs deferentially out of the room.

Bush squints after the man as the door softly shuts, then opens his journal and pens the comment: "At long last, Iraqi people are ready for American statehood".

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