Moral relativism, n. The common misconception that moral standards are interchangeable. MORAL RELATIVISM may be reached either by assuming that all moral systems are effectively congruent, or by denying that they can be compared at all. Either position flies in the face of the common sense of ordinary people, who routinely resolve moral dilemmas through a process of weighted averaging. While the MORAL RELATIVIST struggles with, say, preemptive war and fellatio, the man in the street knows instinctively that fellatio must be the greater evil, because its effects are so much easier for him to imagine.

Satire, n. A slow-acting linguistic tonic that elicits laughter on the first reading, confusion on the second, and revulsion on the third. The most effective satire is not written; it is elected to public office by a population with poor taste in literature.

GSAVE, n. The Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism. Cf. GWOT.

Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism, n. A more soothing, longer-lasting formulation of that old favorite, the Global War on Terror, with all of the G and half of the W. It is not known whether the GLOBAL STRUGGLE AGAINST VIOLENT EXTREMISM is effective, as the President of the United States of America withdrew this product from the market less than two weeks after it was first introduced. It is, however, still available as a generic remedy for the symptoms of wartime consumption.

2005 S.J. HADLEY via NYT 25 Jul. "It is more than just a military war on terror. It's broader than that. It's a global struggle against extremism."

2005 PRESIDENT G.W. BUSH via NYT 4 Aug. "Make no mistake about it, we are at war."

2005 Pentagon spokesman, via WaPo 15 Aug. "It's not just technology, it's not just jammers, it's not just armor. It's a holistic approach to solve the problem."

Reality, n. A deeply disagreeable entity engaged in a circular argument over its own existence.

2004 WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL "We're an Empire now. We make our own reality."

Consistency, n. The avoidance of hypocrisy through persistent, provocative and pervasive lying:

1841 R.W. EMERSON, "Self Reliance" in ESSAYS "[C]onsistency is ... adored by ... statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency [achieved,] a great soul has simply nothing [left] to do."

Islamofascism, n. An amalgam of religion and meaningless expletive, bound together with the "o" from "veg-o-matic". Originally coined by Communists in their struggle to explain the indifference of Muslims to the self-evident charms of Communism, this word tends to evoke hysteria in the listener, whether as an insult to Islam, as an insult to the English language, or as a humiliating reminder of things that are foreign and hard to pronounce.

Balanced, adj. Counterpoised with views that are exactly as insane as one's own. See Fair.

Fair, adj. Willing to entertain and openly discuss proposals advocated by others, most particularly if they are obviously stupid and dangerous. See Balanced.

Taunt, v. To call for public comment while in control of all of the organs of government.

Moral equivalence, n. The absurd notion that a genocidal democracy is no better than a genocidal dictatorship.

Shame, n. A distinctly un-Christian virtue with negative value and a very unattractive price/earnings ratio.

Global War on Terror, n. GWOT.

London, p.n. A metropolis in the southern part of the British Isles which, after surviving plague, multiple attempts at foreign invasion and the threat of nuclear annihilation, abruptly vanished from view on 7 July 2005:

2005 PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH Guardian 4 Jul. "Iraq is a part of this Global War on Terror .... [W]e've got a great ally in Great Britain .... I would rather defeat [the terrorists] there [in Iraq] than face them in our own country."

(Interview with British reporter Trevor McDonald, three days before multiple bombs detonated in the London public transport system leaving 52 dead and 700 injured)

2005 PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH Radio Address 9 Jul. "We are now waging a Global War on Terror -- from the mountains of Afghanistan to the border regions of Pakistan, to the Horn of Africa, to the islands of the Philippines, to the plains of Iraq. We will stay on the offense, fighting the terrorists abroad so we do not have to face them at home."

(Delivered two days after the London transport bombings)

GWOT, n. Global War on Terror, whatever that means.

Free, adj. Lacking restraint.

Freedom, n. Ammunition for use in the Global War on Terror, which is being fought over it, cannot be fought without it, and will therefore come to an end at the precise moment that it is entirely exhausted.

Liberal, n. In politics, one who prevaricates over the existence of evil when presented with a clear opportunity to embrace it outright.

Fundamentalism, n. A collective mental condition that persists so long as it is able to obtain funding.

Apocalypse, n. In Christian theology, the ultimate moral cataclysm, in which the Final Judgement will be followed by the Rapture, and the Global War on Terror will be removed from Television.

Bomb, v. (1) To speak unpersuasively; (2) To speak unpersuasively by other means.

Volunteer, adj. Arising of its own volition. Unplanted.

Withdrawal, n. The most intimate of the acts leading to abandonment.

July n. The month in which the United States of America celebrates its independence. [Ed.: The precise date has been withheld out of solicitude for the safety of the Republic.]