Wit and Wisdom for a One Party State
A handbook for government by wishful thinking
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Evil, n. The mortar with which the more hopeful historian binds together the raw materials of incompetence and insanity.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Accountability, n. A counting up of atrocities committed by others, to confirm the propriety of having committed fresh ones.
Friday, November 26, 2004
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Speech, n. A facility for oral communication with humans, enjoyed by the shoppers in a supermarket, much to the cost of the creatures on display in the food section.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Pommade, n. A viscous substance that ambitious people sometimes apply to the tops of their heads, in the hope that they will stick to heaven.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Victory, n. A precursor to Disaster. Disaster on a large scale (also known as Catastrophe) is commonly preceded by multiple VICTORIES.
Loyal, adj. Dedicated to the happiness of a single individual to the exclusion of all other considerations.
2004 EVELYN LEVINE GOPUSA 16 Nov. "I don't think that [Colin Powell] fit in too well as Secretary of State and that Ms. Rice is loyal to the President and will clean that office up .... Besides this is really President Bush's grand slam election and more people are respecting him now for his intelligence and capabilities and he needs 100% loyalty and a stress free cabinet that wants to work and not fight for their agendas."
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Democratization, n. Frequent use of the word "democracy" in close proximity to the name of a particular country.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Reform, n. A beneficial compromise between the intelligence of a gnat and the stupidity of a brontosaurus.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Win, v.i. To dance or swagger with a crazed expression on one's face. Commonly observed side effects of winning include contrition and eventual death. These risk factors no doubt do much to explain the universal solicitude and sympathy shown toward winners in both civilized and barbaric societies.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Unnecessary, adj. A concept that has come to encompass such a wide variety of persons, things and concepts as to lose its utility in serious discourse.
Insurgency, n. An incorruptible system of government with an erratic jurisdiction and a consistent foreign policy.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Progress, n. The steady improvement in the efficiency of resource allocation over time, by virtue of which members of a future generation will conclude that oil is far too precious to waste on civilian vehicles, and that dried cow dung is your best bet as a fuel to heat the single family living room.
Rapture, n. The process by which the most fervent proponents of Christianity are to be abruptly transported to another place. While some expect the RAPTURE will take place before the imposition of Hell on Earth, the better authorities have the two occurring simultaneously, an arrangement that would forestall unseemly rejoicing among the damned.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Pagan, n. One who imagines that there is a god, without also paying lip-service to the imaginary virtues of being a Christian.
Preemptive, adj. Having the effect of comprehensively and conclusively forestalling some event or action that threatens one's own interest (as by making a preemptive tennis court reservation).
Colosseum, n. A massive stone ampitheatre in ancient Rome, where struggles to the death among trained killers were staged to distract the rabble from their sordid lives. This primitive arrangement has been superseded by Television, which does not offer the same smell of liquid blood and burned flesh, but makes up for it with a wider variety of background settings and expanded seating capacity.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Creationism, n. The reassuring view that people are badly made because God has so far had only a brief run of experience with building them.
Forgiveness, n. In the discourse of Christians, kind words spoken about another in the mistaken belief that these are the cause, and not the effect, of an early funeral.
Pro-life, adj. Adhering to the view that unborn children should be given a full and fair opportunity to achieve eternal damnation.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Conservatism, n. The prudence that leaves one cartridge in the magazine at the end of a pointless shooting spree.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Slaughter, n. The time-honored practice of marshaling the support of non-voters in advance of an election.
Community, n. An enclave of persons for whom the cost of moving outweighs the burden of mutual loathing. In modern industrial societies characterized by a high degree of personal mobility, the continued existence of COMMUNITIES is made possible through the anesthetizing agency of Television.
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Abortion, n. The act of ending before beginning. Abortion of all kinds is vigorously opposed by those who believe that mistakes should be followed through to their ultimate, disastrous conclusion. Syn. Tom DeLay.
Media, n. A network of institutions for fostering debate over the great issues of the day: liberalism versus conservatism; war versus peace; wealth versus poverty; state licensed torture versus whatever the opposite of that might be.
Chaos, n. A supremely egalitarian form of social organization in which the only meaningful distinction is between those who are alive and those who are not. Societies which have achieved a perfect state of CHAOS cannot benefit from further Deregulation, q.v.
Deregulation, n. A reform policy that places top priority on the encouragement of criminals and the spreading of pestilence. See Chaos.
Tyranny, n. Government which builds institutions for the purpose of committing Slaughter. Its counterpart works the other way around.
Taxation, n. The forcible extraction of money by government from citizens who have shirked their civic duty to establish congressional lobbies. The ideal level of taxation is that under which the entire population becomes independently wealthy, resulting in zero employment.